messy and miserable

"tough, messy, miserable week,don't worry tomorrow will be better, just smile"that's what i always said to myself. what else can i do to make me feel better?what else can i do to do all those things within a second with perfection?i'm neither a genius nor hardworking..i'm just ordinary..i can't make miracles, i have to work hard to make those things to happen..but with ratio of time and amount of work i have to do, logically i won't make it..but i will make it..well, i have to..but how??

tonight i'm a little bit of depressed, i cant think what to do first, what the most important thing..finally i end up watching a movie..after two hours i still couldnt get thru myself..i'm surfing..i don't know how long i've been on the internet doing 'wasting-time' things before i realized i havent pray isyak yet..haha..it almost 3 am by that time..then i went to the toilet to 'ambil wuduk'..i brushed my teeth and washed my face..i looked into the mirror..the reflection i've seen doesnt suited me at all..maybe i'm too depressed for these few days..it is shown..

then i try to think.."what is the purpose im being here?", "why'd i have to struggle so much?","what i really want in the next 5 years?", "is it im on the right train, on the right path?", "what i really want actually?"..i ended up getting no answer to those questions..:(

then i remember the story once told by my father to me..when he was a small, he really want to study, make a good job, make a good life, and so on..but due to his family condition, he has to stop study and has to work to help the family..he always a good student, he didn't want to know his UPSR result so that he won't regret for making that choice (berhenti belajar)..his only hope was to see his brothers and sisters would achieve their dreams and live a good life later..he worked hard to make sure all his siblings will get enough money to go school and continue to study..he sacrified his dreams for their sake so they will become someone he can be proud of..but things weren't went as he wished for..he told me how dissappointed he was, but he wont gave up..his dream now turn to his children (which include me)..he always work hard for that, he always advice me to be grateful of what i have..he always remind me how hard he has to work to get those 5 cents a day, because i always spend too much..he always advice me not to repeat the same things but to always learn new things..sometimes im so carefree, i let his words to go with wind and i just do my things..i sometimes i didn't appreciate what i have..i sometimes feel that how unlucky i am without realizing how much some people wants to be in my place..i'm sorry..i'm sometimes realized it but i sometimes just ignored it..i'm sorry..I love you Dad..I'll do everything to make you smile, anything to make you think it is worth your life for it..I love you Dad..and I miss you..I miss everyone at home..I miss to do together things you are doing right now..I miss to sit together in the living room and talk about anything..I miss to laugh together when some of us say or do something funny..I miss to be able to a part of you all, either sadness or happiness..I miss you all!!so much!!

its 4 in the morning already, yet i am still not be able to close my eyes..yes, i can't stop thinking about next week..two projects i have to submit, one of it i have to present to the class..ETP oral presentation..2 reports..4 tests coming up ( design of steel and prestressend concrete structures, design of reinforced concrete structures, water and wastewater engineering, and highway engineering), all are tough subject..assignments??i don't know..dont remember..i just remember those major things..hopefully there's none...i hope this weekend would be much longer, well i need more time to do those 'little' thingy..haha..whatever it is, i will not forget to SMILE..it'll make things better..:)

c ya 'gain!!!